felixfelicisoverload | (no subject)

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Hello Sorting Hat. Welcome to

The IC Anon Meme

Yes, now your characters can wank anonymously to their heart's content! Do they think someone should check in to St Mungo's? Do you have a secret crush? Do you just want to gossip? Then this is the place for you!

Anon posting is, of course, on!

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But I don't get how he can be unaware when I'm making myself so damn obvious. Feelings aren't easy, but I haven't exactly been sparing with them. So if he hurt me, wouldn't it be his fault for not realizing how I feel? Or am I just placing blame when I shouldn't be? I don't fucking know.

I guess so.

Yeah, you're right. It would be. Especially given some circumstances. Maybe I need to stop being so paranoid. I dunno.

You're talking like y

[Inkblots. INKBLOTS.

FILTERED......]

It's been you this entire fucking time, hasn't it?

I would've thought it was obvious. Yes.

I guess it goes back to the dumbass thing, then, because I'm a huge one right now.

Maybe. I stand by the fact that it's endearing.

Saves you having to find a way to admit any of this to me, doesn't it?

I'm glad you think so, because I actually kinda feel like shit.

This wasn't the ideal way to go about it. At all. Now I'm just an idiot. This whole thing was a mistake.

It'll pass.

There's no ideal way to have an awkward conversation. Nothing ever works out the way it's planned to be, life would be far too easy if it did.

I don't think it was a mistake.

You said not to assume shit about you, so don't do it to me. It hasn't passed yet. It's been months. I feel perpetually shitty. This just made it worse.

Yeah, but. This. This is just the opposite of how it should've gone.

Why? It just makes me seem like even more of a goddamn child, which you've been so intent on making me out to be this entire time. It's just proved your point, hasn't it?

I never had a damn point, I was curious and I wanted to see if I could help any, but I can't. All I ever seem to do is undermine you or make you feel stupid and sad and I have no idea how I'm ever meant to stop doing that if this is what happens when I try.

If you're having such a damn awful time with me why are you still with me?

[Inkblots. Just inkblots forever.]

I didn't say that. Or at least I wasn't fucking trying to. You don't. That's not what I meant.

Because I'm trying not to let myself make the same mistake I did with her.

I just want to fucking feel like I'm worth your love.

It's how it feels to me when I see it here and hear it from you.

When have I ever made any indication that you aren't worth that much to me? If you weren't worth it to me I would be risking so much just to be with you, is that such a difficult leap in logic for you to comprehend? How many times do I have to say I want it until you understand it?

You were never supposed to know this was me in the first place! We were never supposed to have this conversation. This is all the shit I only actually have the balls to say anonymously. Do you honestly think I would ever have the courage to say it to your face? But I guess now you know the truth about me. I'm an insecure dumbass. Now you know where Dave gets it from. Dirk's sure to follow, I'm positive of that. I bring everybody down just like this.

It is a fucking difficult leap for me to comprehend because I just don't understand

why

you feel this way about me. I can't even begin to fathom what anyone like you could ever see in someone like me and that terrifies me, because I'm scared you're going to realize that I'm not actually worth your time.

How many other people are in our situation, Dirk? Honestly.

I suppose I thought we were at a place where we could be honest about this sort of situation. After coming so far I thought maybe you'd realised you can speak to me.

Like you said, we're similar. It isn't as if I'd ever judge you for the way you feel.

I don't know how to answer that because I can't explain it for myself. I just know that more time with you seems like the least likely method of turning me away from you.

Before I knew you I despised you. I hardly saw you and I hated it when I did. It was only after I spent more time with you that I began to realise just how different the real you is to the one you like to pretend you are. If anything, the more time I spend with you, the more time I want with you.

[Not even going to touch that first part because shut up that's why.]

I'm sorry, then. Because I'm not good at talking to people about how I feel. That's not your fault, it's me. I've never been good at talking about this kind of thing. Not even with her. It's just not something that comes easy for me and I don't know how to change it. I want to though. I really fucking do, if only for you. To avoid this kind of shit.

I really don't know what to say to that. I'm not going to dismiss it by saying it's not good to hear, because yeah that does feel nice to hear. It really does. But I just can't help but want

need

more. Call me selfish if you want, because I realize that's what I'm being. I'm doing the exact thing I've always been scared I was doing, which is just making this difficult for you.

I'm sorry for that. I really fucking am.

But I need to know what you see in me, because I just don't see anything in myself that could possibly appeal to you.

That makes two of us, then.

Alright. I'll try to word it, if it helps soothe you any.

I haven't known you for you all that long and you've already wormed your way into my mind until you're there near constantly. I know that doesn't seem like much, but it's impressive. To me.

Aside from that I suppose it's the fact that you're charming, endearing even in your increasingly ill thought out moments, you're very attractive, you're damn good in bed, your eyes are lovely and, above all things, I can be more like myself with you than I can around anyone else. It's as much an honor for me to be wanted and accepted by you as it is for to feel that way about me, I assure you.

You're a damn stubborn bastard who is so infectiously sweet in such a strange way that I couldn't possibly imagine giving you up now that I have you.

[For the longest while, there is no response. An inkblot here or there, but otherwise nothing. It's a few minutes later that there finally is a response.]

Thank you...It's stupid of me to need to hear it. I shouldn't. I should've been able to take your word for it, but I couldn't. So... hearing you- well, seeing you write that- it means a lot, and it does make me feel better.

[Which is to also say that the effort put into the response is recognized, and is very much appreciated.]

I won't lie and say I'm not still scared. Because I am. But only because I just really don't want to lose you. Ever.

It isn't stupid that you need to hear it. It's stupid that you need to ask. I should know when to tell you these things but it seems to go without saying, the majority of the time.

I'm a jackass.

I don't think fear ever really goes away in a relationship. At least it never has for me. I like to think it's an expression of how much you care about someone.

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